musings

I never thght i wld once again 1 day b writing some deep personal shit down here . Today is exactly march 15th and exactly one month down the line i will be completing one year down the coll . If i look at the score who are still there and who turned "professional" i m glad that things happened exactly s i thght they wld turn out . I m in touch with just one person from coll . I sure expected things 2 turn out this way but i did not expected this fast :P . That ws probably one of d many reasons for me being uncommunicative during coll .I had come straight from navy hostel and i had seen people who r s thick s hives on ship 2 share their deepest secrets not 2 meet once in their lives nt 2 have any communication once d voyage is over . So i kept my opinions and thghts 2 myself besides having n obvious reason .I always thgt if i m able 2 get a single friend on whom i can trust 2 talk abt my deepest insecurities out of 60 guys , i m cool . I guess that's d way i have been . To b part of d crowd and yet b alone .

But as i listen to "piano man "i keep thinking abt the conv b/w me n a close frnd which I discussed 2day . To a large extent i follow what he thinks for once we think along similar lines . When i told him that for three long years i have been single and of my own choice and why , he was to surprised but he understood for he was told the same thing by somebody close . I just said i have seen the best of the worlds and worst of the worlds and then i told him one of the worst poss stories which i have seen in merchant navy .He was 2 aghast n i told him that perhaps that was one of the nicer ones .

Perhaps my expectation of me of what i wanted from life actually surfaced when i was giving fire to the body at Rishikesh .For the first time i realised u can walk away from everything but u can not walk away from yourself .Quite frankly at this stage , i do not want anything for myself but still i want everything because i have my duties to my parents and which i can not walk away from . No matter what. As Dido says in her song "life for rent " :-

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me

It's just a thought, only a thought

But if my life is for rent and I don't lean to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine